Part 3: The power of self compassion — A journey into motherhood.
My journey into breastfeeding
I was struggling with breastfeeding as soon as my baby boy was born, you see there were a combination of things not working well, my milk supply hadn’t come through and was low, my nipples were flat and my baby wouldn’t latch well enough to get the milk he needed. In the hospital I was told over and over again by nurses, midwives and family to offer formula, I ended up after the first 48 hours to offer some formula along with expressed breast milk through a syringe.
Instead of simply accepting this as a well enough solution, I persisted to breastfeed amongst the obstacles and transform my flat nipples with low supply of milk, into perky outward nipples that had flowing milk supply. It was a painful process of transforming something that my body had never done before, and in this process of transforming myself to become the only source of nourishment coming from my body to my baby — there was frustration, blood (literally), sweat and tears, fierce determination and LOTS OF SURRENDER! After 6 weeks of persistent trial and error, I had become a successful breastfeeding mother and have continued ever since… now 2.5 years later!
Now, I have to admit during those first 6 months, I wasn’t the cool, calm zen mum I had thought I would be! The reality of motherhood during those first few months certainly showed pressure, frustration, which resulted in anger, doubt, and anxiousness, and along with this was sheer exhaustion, numbness and grief. But also along this ride were elated feelings of joy, laughter, delight, pride, contentment, bliss and pure love, beyond a love I've experienced before!
The reality was I felt like:
I was rejected by my baby when it came to latching
I felt like i was powerless, and inadequate not being able to nourish my baby through breastfeeding
I felt angry at myself for not being prepared for breastfeeding, and that i hadn’t read/watched/listened enough about how it works
I felt confused, and reliant on the midwives to help me get through those early days.
I felt frustrated that my mind wanted something desperately yet my body wasn’t doing it.
I felt i wasn’t quite getting it, and learning fast enough regarding breastmilk flow
I felt not enough, not able to produce milk,
I felt that in those first few days/weeks that if I couldn’t provide enough nutrients it would lead to a critical place of undernourishment.
I felt like a failure not being able to seamlessly work through this tough time with grace and joy.
I placed sooo much pressure on myself to keep this baby alive, and healthy. I wanted only to exclusively breastfeed, because of the nourishing super powers that breastmilk offered. I became desperate to make breastfeeding work, but at the same time i was wanting it be done in a particular way, i.e. natural, without the use of formula.
What was happening, was this idea of an expectation that I should be doing this well, this pressure to be able to provide and nurture should come effortlessly, and easily and this idea that as someone in wellness that I should be practicing the tools I had previously knew were affective like, yoga, mindfulness and meditation!
What I had realised, whilst I was being the fiercely determined mother showing love through persistence, I was also showing that I was also not being kind and compassionate towards myself along the way. This became exhausting and ended up being outwardly expressed towards those closest to me.
I had realised that I was not showing up as I’d like to have been, and this was reflected in my relationships with my partner and mother who were trying to help the most.
I had let go of…
controlling the timeline
being linear with when things will work
forcing an outcome
meeting expectations i had of myself and others
Letting go of being critical of myself
putting pressure on myself
holding onto tension in my body
fear of the unknown
doubt and even shame
anxious worrying of the what-ifs.
being ok with not knowing everything
That I only hold myself to the suffering I choose to experience.
I began again reconnecting with accepting what is, as it is. what I had learn’t on Vipassana meditation. A sense of mindfulness of what is in each moment, as it changes.
I embraced:
Deep long breaths
Lots of rest when possible
Being aware without judgment in the moment
Allowing my baby and I to work it out together
Persistency and consistency
Taking baby steps each time
I asked for help
Being enough
I allowed for plenty of time to practice without forcing an outcome
Lots of laughter, cuddles, giggles - tears of joy and surrender
I embraced humility, and tenderness
I embraced vulnerability
That each moment, and day is an opportunity for change.
I trusted my maternal instincts
I trusted in the flow of love being the answer for myself and baby.
Eventually, there was COMPASSION and ACCEPTANCE and EASE, and it didn’t come from myself, it came from my sister-in-law demonstrating the grace of listening, acknowledging, and compassionately holding space for this tough time, as she was too going through the same thing, yet a few months ahead with a similar journey.
The turning point — with the experience of compassion from others, I was able to feel what I needed to give to myself. When I surrendered to a belief of trust that it will work, a faith that this challenge will overcome with time. It was then my body started to relax, and respond with flow and ease. Thus, my baby responded with ease and we bonded while breastfeeding.